simple little things

Do you ever get the feeling that you are always waiting?  Waiting for the end of a workday? The beginning of a movie? The moment the other person feels the same way you do? The moment you stop feeling the way you are feeling? 

The day you realize this is indeed your real life?

I have so many reasons I am not doing what I want to be doing with my time right now, and all of those reasons have to do with waiting.  I am waiting for the month that I make a little more money, so I will feel a little more secure.  Even though I have ample vacation time, I am waiting for a time when I feel it is ok to take more than one week off of work and explore  faraway places I’ve always wanted to visit.  I am waiting for the day when I feel enough time has passed since Mom left that I can focus on the things I need to change in the life I have now.

What exactly am I waiting for?

Somewhere along the way, I got this idea in my head that I would “sense” the moment when it was ok to take chances, and throw myself into my passions with no thought of failure or embarrassment.  I felt that when I had wrapped up all of my little loose ends, then I would be free to break out of my mold and explore the things that would shape the person I wanted so badly to become.  But this is me.  This is who I am.  And if I keep waiting for the perfect moment, I’m going to miss out on everything I have always wanted to be.

It is never too late to become what you might have been.

I’ve been thinking about deadlines in my life – the ones I impose on myself versus the ones work imposes on me.  If I have a deadline at work, I may stall, or wait until the last minute, but damn if I don’t get it done every time.  Because I have to.  Because it’s my JOB.  But I have personal deadlines too, and most of the time I don’t meet them.  Sometimes I give up on the projects all together, citing lack of time.  Why do I always find time to do things for work (other people) but not for pleasure (me)? 

 I made a pact with myself a few months ago that I would set up this blog, and write in it at least once a week to express myself and have a creative outlet.  But here we are, months later, and this is only my third post.  I devote so many hours to work, that I rationalize that I don’t have time to blog, or to craft, or to call friends I haven’t spoken to in months.  I find myself frustrated at the end of each weekend, because I feel that I didn’t “accomplish” enough fun things in the time I had.  Everything is a deadline.  I feel off-kilter if I have unscheduled time.

This is not normal or healthy.

I need to be ok with the idea of spending time working on my own personal deadlines.  I have so many things that I want to do “someday,” but feel I don’t have the time to do now.  When exactly does this time appear?  When do I finish everything on my official to-do list, and allow myself the freedom of finding out what I truly want to spend my time and energy doing?

I would never ever spend half of my money on things that left me unfulfilled.  Why in God’s name am I spending half of my time that way now?