simple little things

Today marks one and a half weeks of my completely voluntary unemployment.  I gotta say, it is lovely.  I wake up when I feel rested (which is not as late as I thought it would be,) eat when I am hungry (not as often as I thought it would be,) and obsess about my future when the urge strikes (thankfully – also not too often.)  There is something just luscious about deciding the order of my own days.  It actually took me the entire first week to figure out that it was ok to not be doing something productive every single minute of every single day.  After years of working for other people, and being at the mercy of the schedules they have imposed on me, it is just amazing to understand that these days are my own.

Ok, so I’ve had some issues.  Like a recovering addict, I’ve had to re-learn what “normal” looks like.  Today, I had to say (out loud) “I will not turn on that darn laptop until I have had a cup of coffee and finished the last few pages of this book.”  And I had to give myself permission to take a nap today when I felt pressed to work on a paper that isn’t due until Monday.  Last Sunday, I started to feel very anxious around noon.  I couldn’t figure out why, and wondered if I had forgotten about a project for school, or maybe had left the oven on.  I finally realized that my body and brain are used to feeling anxious on Sunday afternoons, since Monday (and work) are only a few hours away.  My emotional muscle memory of the anxiety just hadn’t gone away yet. 

It actually takes a certain amount of restraint for me to relax, which is so darn backwards that I hardly know what to do.  I have to remind myself that I have plenty of time each day to get the few things on my plate accomplished.  And I also have to remind myself that it is ok to have idle time.  Ok to read a book.  Ok to just play with my dog and sit on the porch.

Funny how when you get what your heart has been wanting, it can take your brain a little while to catch up.